By Christiana Paradis
How did you do it Microsoft? No seriously? How did you create EXACTLY what I’ve always wanted? My whole life I’ve been wondering how to stop myself from emotional overeating. I mean every time a boyfriend or girlfriend (gasp) would break up with me it was straight for the pint of ice cream, sometimes even with Cheetos for topping! Too much? I never thought so. Bring on the gluttony. This WHOLE time I just thought there was no hope, but now Microsoft has developed this beautiful piece of technology-and it’s even in a sultry red color for the feisty femmes like myself. It is so adorable that they make this product and offer it to females only. After all, we’re the only gender that emotionally eats.
This bra uses sensors to detect my heart rate and sweat signals. Then it magically takes that information and decides (in its brain), “Hmm…you’re appearing stressed or maybe bored…DON’T DO IT! DON’T EAT!” So then the bra tells my smart phone…DON’T LET HER EAT. Then…are you ready for this? My smartphone agrees, “She should not eat.” So it makes me play games or do some form of breathing exercise…it works to distract me from eating, because the bra and my smartphone know more than my body, and they know I shouldn’t eat.
Microsoft says it has to be form fitting to get vitals and there’s a study that says women emotionally overeat more than men, so… it only makes sense it’s a bra. I couldn’t agree more. Why should it be something like a wifebeater, tank top, or a wristband? I mean why would we want everyone to get help for this problem? I overeat more than annnny of my guy friends. PLUS, this bra is so awesome/heavy/uncomfortable that it only needs to be taken off every four hours so that it can recharge its monitors. So basically it’s really convenient for your work day. Just grab lunch at a place that you can charge your bra so that you don’t have to awkwardly walk around the office bra-less. It’s made to be convenient for the working woman, like that. They’ve literally thought of EVERYTHING!
I’ve always wanted technology to tell me that my body doesn’t need nourishment! Thank you Microsoft, what would a silly ol’ gal like me do without you?
